Cashmere Crypt

my diary

Looks like you've stumbled upon my diary (´ཀ`).𖥔 ݁ ˖ I post whenever and whatever I feel like here, and content warnings will be tagged at the top of each entry.

  • 06.18.24
  • ⊹°。⋆༺♱༻⋆。°⊹
  • mood: Pensive
  • weather: Hot & humid
  • music: ACNL Playlist
  • currently: Updating my website for the first time in a while
  • ⊹°。⋆༺♱༻⋆。°⊹

I finished my tattoo

TW: body modification & self worth

I've been working on this piece for over a year now. It's been quite a journey... my first artist was entirely insane, possibly under some kind of influence, and definitely not fit to be tattooing in his state.

I found an artist who was willing to work with my initial linework. They have tattooed in many places around the world, and specialize in large-scale Japanese work. They also made me feel safe, comfortable, and at home.

Throughout the course of this piece, I never really thought twice about how majorly I was modifying my body. Sure, it was winter, so it was hidden for most of the day anyway.

40 hours of work later, though... after my final session, I had a shift in my perspective. What if the colors didn't match my wardrobe? Does it look like "me"? Am I... worthy of such a beautiful piece?

Sometimes when I look in the mirror now, I feel that I am finally representing on the outside who I am on the inside. Other times, I see someone unrecognizably cool.

Like a child trying on their parent's lipstick, I wonder if one day I will come to know this modification to be a part of who I am as a person. And the emotional part of me worries that I will always feel like I am playing dress-up with my skin.

At the very least, having high-coverage tattoos has shifted others' perspectives of me for the better. I found that the more I show it at work, the more people seem to feel comfortable approaching me in a casual tone.

I also sometimes struggle to find words when I'm under a lot of stress, and that can come off as innocent or meek. When I walk in with a full sleeve, even when I don't have a lot of words on that day, people are somehow taking me more seriously and interpreting me as myself more quickly.

Regardless of what happens... I am very grateful and proud to finally have completed this tattoo. I feel like I have accomplished something. And I have taken one step closer to becoming the person that I have always wanted to be.

༒•mika•༒

  • 05.13.24
  • ⊹°。⋆༺♱༻⋆。°⊹
  • mood: Relaxed
  • weather: Sunny
  • music: Brown noise
  • currently: Eating sushi outside
  • ⊹°。⋆༺♱༻⋆。°⊹

Life is Short

I can't believe I'm 29 already. My birthday was a few days ago, and somehow it feels like I should be turning 19, not 29.

I can't believe my high school painting class was 10 years ago. That I spent 10 years not painting -- something that I always considered to be my lifelong passion.

I kept telling myself that I'd paint when I had time, when I had money, when the rest of my life is in order.

I guess maybe it's never going to be in order :)

Today, it is sunny. A few little whispy clouds drift lazily across the sky. The sun peeks through the cheery leaves on the hanging ferns perched around my table.

I've spent too many days at a desk. I am a human, and I love to feel the wind on my face and watch the people go by as I enjoy my meal. On a beautiful day like today, I can't help but feel that life is just too short to eat at a desk.

Life is also too short to put off doing the things you love. Things like painting.

(I finally started my first painting in 10 years... updates coming soon!)

༒•mika•༒

  • 04.09.24
  • ⊹°。⋆༺♱༻⋆。°⊹
  • mood: Determined
  • weather: Cloudy
  • music: Some synthwave playlist
  • currently: Finishing up the new section on my website & petting my cat
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10,000 Hours

I've never read Malcom Gladwell's 10,000 Rule, nor do I plan to. But the idea is catchy... spend 10k hours on any one skill and you will achieve a decent level of mastery.

Given that fact, during the eclipse I was pondering my poisiton in the world as an artist. I thought about how I have been struggling to find time to practice my craft; or is it that I can't find the desire? Probably some combination of the two, let's be honest.

I decided to count it up. All the time I have spent on all the skills that I really have practiced... art, Japanese, programming, and, recently, tailoring (sewing). The results were shocking to me.

I've spent 4-5 times more hours on programming than I have on drawing.

Sure, it's true that I work a dayjob that requires me to do programming, so I have plenty of time in my schedule for it. But in the end... I actually know what it feels like to be almost 10k hours into a skill.

And...... I want that feeling. I crave to know what it feels like to have my current proficiency with code, but with copics and photoshop brushes. Imagine the possibilities!

It feels extremely doable today. If I did it once, I can do it again right? Sure, it will take me longer since I don't have 8 hours per day, five days per week. But a big part of why I can so "easily" code is because I have specific projects to work on.

I'm thinking I just need to work out some projects for art that will be exciting, engaging, and interesting. What do I want to draw? Who do I want to be?

I also remember what it was like to be 1,800 hours in to programming. I was barely stumbling my way through the codebase after just getting hired on as a junior developer. I thought I knew so much... but I was just getting started.

I guess that's where I'm at with my art now. Even if I've been an artist my whole life... my timesheet tells me I'm still just getting started ;)

༒•mika•༒

  • 04.02.24
  • ⊹°。⋆༺♱༻⋆。°⊹
  • mood: Nostalgic
  • weather: Tornado
  • music: Waterparks - Snow Globe
  • currently: Listening to the weather channel & philosophizing
  • ⊹°。⋆༺♱༻⋆。°⊹

Hello world~

Last night we were snapped awake to a sudden downpour of rain, hissing at our windows and thumping on the roof. I barely remember rolling over, semi-coherently consoling myself that I really do like the white noise, and drifting off once more into sleep. When I woke up, I learned that the worst was still to come.

After a dreamy day of data design at work, I left early to warnings of tornados, hail, and flash floods. Last night was a preview, I guessed.

Although the only weather that came our way was a 7PM downpour and the rumbling of distant thunder, there was something soft and nostalgic about the way time slows down when on tornado watch. We turned on the TV, watching local news between the same three commercials on repeat. I gazed out the window, trying to discern meaning between the slowly drifting clouds. My partner and I enjoyed dinner together in silence - undistracted by the speed of modern life.

Now that the worst of it is over, I have a whole evening to myself to work on my website and enjoy a few episodes of TV. Today, things are simple. Although there may be a hint of doom around the horizon, right here I have aloeswood incense, miso soup, and a quiet knowing that the world is still spinning just as it always has.

༒•mika•༒